Salt and ice, 2nd attempt

Sooo… I haven’t been able to write anything lately because my computer crashed and I just figured out how to make posts on my phone. I have a lot to write about now. Basically, I tried the salt and ice challenge again. I wanted to try because it didn’t work last time I tried and it made me curious. So I tried it again. At first, I put loads of salt on my wrist and put two ice cubes on it and pressed them with my hand. It didn’t hurt. After a while it started to sting, but it didn’t really hurt. Just like last time… I was disappointed, it didn’t work this time either. I removed the ice cubes and washed the salt off. But i really wanted it to work. I got up again and put even more salt on my arm than before. Then I added three ice cubes and pressed even harder. It started to sting almost immediately, and after a while my arm went completely numb. I kept the ice cubes on until it melted and it still didn’t hurt. I sighed, it didn’t work this time either. I removed the wet salt and washed everything off. Then I just sat down on the sofa. The salt and ice challenge left nothing but a darker mark on my arm. Though later that same evening, weird small blisters started to appear on the darker area, where the salt and ice had been. I’m aware I shouldn’t have done this, but I started scratching the blisters and eventually, they broke. Well, it was gross. And it hurt like hell, but still, I couldn’t stop scratching them until they all broke. After that, I started to peel the skin off around the broken blisters. It made the marks look like burn scars. It stinged a lot, but after a while I just let it be and went to sleep. Next day it was infected. It was really bad. Two or three thin layers of my skin were ripped off on a couple places, and the wounds had gone yellow. Yes, yellow. I could barely move my arm, it hurt so much.
This happened a week ago, and I’m fine now. But it still hasn’t healed yet. Well I know it will take a while to heal completely. I’m still shocked, relieved though, that my parents haven’t noticed the strange looking wounds, because they are kind of obvious. Oh, well. I’m glad they haven’t.

And one more thing, I’m moving tomorrow. My parents are separating, and so our house is big, so none of them could afford keep living ín this house. So both have to move. I packed the majority of my stuff yesterday, and I had to stuff my plushies down in two large boxes… I feel so bad for them. I apologized like a thousand times. I hope they will forgive me… I’ll get to let them out tomorrow at least, so it won’t be for too long. I love all my plushies, they mean so much to me.

breaking down

Well… At school yesterday I was going to have home economics as my last lesson. And I was standing outside waiting for my teacher to start class but suddenly I heard a loud scream. I jumped and looked around but no one else seemed to have noticed. That was weird, since it was so loud. I shrugged and tried to forget about it but a few seconds later I heard the same scream again. I didn’t think twice, I turned around again but still, no reaction from the others. I left the group and went out to the corridors and again, no one was there. This was starting to get kind of scary. I heard something behind me, again, I turned around, again, no one was there. My breathing went faster as I kept hearing the strange noises, it felt like they came closer and closer each time. I could feel my own heartbeat.
At last, I closed my eyes, covered my ears and just screamed out loud. I fell to my knees and I felt something touching my shoulder. I screamed again,”leave me alone!”, yet it didn’t let go off my shoulder. I looked up and faced my friend. She had a strange expression on her face. I sighed in relief. I started sobbing and hugged her tightly. She put her arms around me and whispered in my ear how everything was alright, everything was fine and how she cared about me more than anything. I knew that wasn’t true, but it felt good to hear her saying it. I continued sobbing and I could feel my eye makeup streaming down my cheeks. We sat there for almost an hour, just hugging each other. I could feel my self hate increasing more and more each minute. But when she was there with me, it felt better. I can’t stop thinking about what really happened. I have no clue what’s going on, and I’m not sure if I actually want to know…

what now

So since I’m at my grandpa’s house now, I haven’t been able to cut for days… I almost can’t stand it. I can feel the urge getting stronger and stronger each day. I tried making more wounds with an eraser again but it just isn’t the same thing. I want to go home but I also don’t. I want to cut and i miss my cat, but I also want to be with my grandpa as much as possible. My grandma died in November, and since then it’s been really lonely for grandpa, obviously. I miss her a lot… We were kind of close. She died because of cancer. I wish she never smoked… That probably was the trigger. At least one of them. Well I wish I could cut, I really want to right now. I’m not sure if my grandpa knows that I cut, but in case he does, he’s probably hidden everything sharp in the entire house somewhere so that I couldn’t cut. And we got here by plane, they check the bags for sharp things and such, so I couldn’t really take a blade with me. I really really want to cut. I’m trying to distract myself but it’s extremely hard. I don’t know what to do… And I wish I could just stop wanting to hurt myself. But that won’t happen. At least not for a very long time. I don’t know what I’m addicted to really, it could be the feeling, or it could just be a thought that makes me feel like I have to cut just because I’m used to it. I hope that made sense… Oh well, it’s getting late now. I think I should try to get some sleep now. Night

hi again

I found a song on Youtube a few weeks ago, and I can’t stop listening to it… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fn4gXdCIPRY it’s wonderful. It’s about self harm, cutting. And yes, I cut. I’ve been cutting myself for almost four years now, I’m turning 15 in July. The song in fact makes me cry sometimes when I listen to it. I can relate to the lyrics 100%. I also read a few of the comments on the video on Youtube, and some people said the song kept them from cutting. It doesn’t work for me though, but nothing does so whatever. Well I doubt anyone will ever read this, but if someone does, I suggest you look the song up.

I also have some kind of eating disorder. I wouldn’t say I’m anorexic or bulimic or anything, but I’m trying to avoid eating as often as possible. And I sometimes throw up when I’ve eaten, not everyday though. So I don’t really know. However, I found a song about anorexia aswell, it’s made by the same person who did the song i linked above. He is amazing. The anorexia song made me cry too. Here’s the song btw http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o58aVOJeUSA check it out. I keep listening to both of them even though it’s not the type of music I usually listen to, but they are really touching.