done

I’m done. I’m just done. With pretty much everything. My life is a fucking hell and nothing seems to get better. I really have given it a try, in fact, I’ve given life way too many chances. Now I’m just done. I’m ready to end this all. My mom is an obsessive bitch and won’t leave me alone for a single minute. I hate her. It’s official; I hate my mom. She makes me want to die even more than I already do. I sound like a real attention whore right now, but I really just want to be heard out. I’ve cut much more than usual lately, I don’t even know why. It feels like I’ve completely given up in life, and in myself. I keep getting terrible grades, my weight stays the same no matter how many meals I skip or purge, I still can’t stop hating myself and I just don’t know. I should have collected enough pills by now, almost 100. It should be enough. Yes, I’m planning to take my life. I’m scared to try, but I guess I’m just being a pussy as usual. I think about it everyday, I want to do it more and more each day, and nothing can make me change my mind or stop me. My best friend (well, my only friend) will probably hate me after this since he’s the only one who knows about my blog that I actually know in real life. He said just a couple minutes ago that he could never get mad at me or hate me, but this will make him change his mind… I already regret writing this, but I just had to let it out.

Also, this is pretty random, but I mentioned earlier how I’ve cut more than usual lately. I’ve thought about me cutting. Why do I even try to hide it? It’s not like I care. I don’t give a fuck what people think about me anymore. I might as well just cut all over my arms and legs. I don’t see why not. Everyone seems to know that I cut anyways. Well, besides my younger brother, but he will figure out soon enough. The funny thing is, people know about my self harm, but no one gives a shit. The teachers have probably noticed, but none of them say anything. The only one who actually reacts is the school nurse. She’s so annoying. She sometimes just walks up to me during breaks and randomly starts talking to me. It’s like she’s keeping an eye on me. She wants something, I’m sure of it. I always have to watch my back when I’m near her. Oh well. I can’t focus on anything right now. I should stop typing… I’ll go cut now…

…but. I have a date. February 10th, 2013.

panickinggg

Well… Title says it all. I’m panicking. Why? School starts in less than a week. Summer break has been pretty good, I went to a cosplay thing with my best friend and another friend. It was awesome, I had a really good time and we were there for about four days. After that, it was my birthday. I. Hate. My. Birthday. It just reminds me of how badly I want to end it all. I survived 8th grade, but I don’t know if I’ll manage another year in hell. My grades needs to be better, I need to be smarter. I have a huge agony for 9th grade, my stress is getting worse. I’ve tried to keep my mind busy for two whole weeks by playing Bioshock 2, and it’s made me feel better actually, but I still can’t stop thinking about school… I don’t know what it’d be like. I don’t know if it’ll be better or worse than 8th grade. I still feel so anxious though. I’ll probably mess Everything up, like usual…

Anyways, I had to visit my therapist yesterday, and it was sooo awkward. I lied to her a lot to try and persuade her that I’m getting better. I don’t know if it worked though, but I felt terrible lying to her face to face. My mom has always said I’m bad at lying, but I doubt that’s true since people usually believe me when I say I’m fine, which is a lie. Oh well. My dad randomly bought clothes for me yesterday, which was really surprising since my parents never buy stuff for me, except for food. He got me a really cute shirt, but it was like a tanktop so I’m not sure if I dare to wear it… I usually wear normal band shirts to hide my body shape. I don’t want people to see my fat belly. The shirt was really cute though, so I’ll think about it. My dad also got me an adorable black dress with cats on. I really liked it. But… It was too large. Yet, it was a size S. He’ll see if he can get a smeller size such as XS. I can’t believe it didn’t fit. I never thought I’d have to get a smaller size of something. However, I’ll continue playing video games like a loner. Byeee

alone

Omg… Just no. No. No. I don’t wanna do this anymore. I can’t keep going. I just can’t keep going. I’m just so tired of everything, literally everything. At the moment I have one friend only. I almost just simply hate everyone else and I don’t trust anyone but him either. The girl who used to be my best friend, she kind of just abandoned me for another girl who also used to be a friend of mine. They seem to be bffs now. Fucking great. I’ve been crying like an idiot the past two hours and I can’t seem to be able to stop. When my ex best friend and I are alone, she seems to think I’m okay to be with. But once her new best friend comes, they both completely ignore me. I’m just the third wheel that no one cares about. That’s alright though; I don’t care about me either. They didn’t even seem to notice that I left them today when they were standing there talking to each other. I feel so alone.

It’s not like I want loads of friends really, I usually prefer to be alone, but I really didn’t want to lose my best friend, especially not to someone else. She’s rather with her new best friend than with me. Still, when her friend is gone, she uses to come to me randomly. I don’t want her to… I really don’t. If she chose someone else than me, I don’t want to stand there like an idiot anymore, waiting for her to come back to me. Because I want to know whether I should move on and forget about her, or if it’s worth waiting for her to come back. I partially want to move on, but she won’t leave me alone. I can’t really tell her to get the fuck out because I don’t want to be mean… Though she’s being kind of mean to me as well. Or maybe she isn’t? Maybe I’m just overreacting? I wish I knew what I’m supposed to do…

Salt and ice, 2nd attempt

Sooo… I haven’t been able to write anything lately because my computer crashed and I just figured out how to make posts on my phone. I have a lot to write about now. Basically, I tried the salt and ice challenge again. I wanted to try because it didn’t work last time I tried and it made me curious. So I tried it again. At first, I put loads of salt on my wrist and put two ice cubes on it and pressed them with my hand. It didn’t hurt. After a while it started to sting, but it didn’t really hurt. Just like last time… I was disappointed, it didn’t work this time either. I removed the ice cubes and washed the salt off. But i really wanted it to work. I got up again and put even more salt on my arm than before. Then I added three ice cubes and pressed even harder. It started to sting almost immediately, and after a while my arm went completely numb. I kept the ice cubes on until it melted and it still didn’t hurt. I sighed, it didn’t work this time either. I removed the wet salt and washed everything off. Then I just sat down on the sofa. The salt and ice challenge left nothing but a darker mark on my arm. Though later that same evening, weird small blisters started to appear on the darker area, where the salt and ice had been. I’m aware I shouldn’t have done this, but I started scratching the blisters and eventually, they broke. Well, it was gross. And it hurt like hell, but still, I couldn’t stop scratching them until they all broke. After that, I started to peel the skin off around the broken blisters. It made the marks look like burn scars. It stinged a lot, but after a while I just let it be and went to sleep. Next day it was infected. It was really bad. Two or three thin layers of my skin were ripped off on a couple places, and the wounds had gone yellow. Yes, yellow. I could barely move my arm, it hurt so much.
This happened a week ago, and I’m fine now. But it still hasn’t healed yet. Well I know it will take a while to heal completely. I’m still shocked, relieved though, that my parents haven’t noticed the strange looking wounds, because they are kind of obvious. Oh, well. I’m glad they haven’t.

And one more thing, I’m moving tomorrow. My parents are separating, and so our house is big, so none of them could afford keep living ín this house. So both have to move. I packed the majority of my stuff yesterday, and I had to stuff my plushies down in two large boxes… I feel so bad for them. I apologized like a thousand times. I hope they will forgive me… I’ll get to let them out tomorrow at least, so it won’t be for too long. I love all my plushies, they mean so much to me.

breaking down

Well… At school yesterday I was going to have home economics as my last lesson. And I was standing outside waiting for my teacher to start class but suddenly I heard a loud scream. I jumped and looked around but no one else seemed to have noticed. That was weird, since it was so loud. I shrugged and tried to forget about it but a few seconds later I heard the same scream again. I didn’t think twice, I turned around again but still, no reaction from the others. I left the group and went out to the corridors and again, no one was there. This was starting to get kind of scary. I heard something behind me, again, I turned around, again, no one was there. My breathing went faster as I kept hearing the strange noises, it felt like they came closer and closer each time. I could feel my own heartbeat.
At last, I closed my eyes, covered my ears and just screamed out loud. I fell to my knees and I felt something touching my shoulder. I screamed again,”leave me alone!”, yet it didn’t let go off my shoulder. I looked up and faced my friend. She had a strange expression on her face. I sighed in relief. I started sobbing and hugged her tightly. She put her arms around me and whispered in my ear how everything was alright, everything was fine and how she cared about me more than anything. I knew that wasn’t true, but it felt good to hear her saying it. I continued sobbing and I could feel my eye makeup streaming down my cheeks. We sat there for almost an hour, just hugging each other. I could feel my self hate increasing more and more each minute. But when she was there with me, it felt better. I can’t stop thinking about what really happened. I have no clue what’s going on, and I’m not sure if I actually want to know…

leave me alone

I seriously want to die… I don’t know what to do. Everything seems like it’s getting worse. And today was first day of school after Easter break. First day, and I felt like I was dying. I couldn’t even stay at school all day, I went home by lunch. My parents were not happy about that, but I honestly don’t even care anymore. I cut my leg yesterday and I could barely concentrate on what I was doing. The voices kept screaming and I told them to shut up but they didn’t. Before, when I was writing a diary, they somehow seemed to calm down when I opened a blank page and wrote “leave me alone” a few times. That worked sometimes. But yesterday it didn’t, I was cutting and they told me to cut deeper and I just couldn’t stand it. I just took my blade and cut ”leave me alone” all over it. It’s big, not really deep though, but I kinda regret it… It will be hard to hide. I don’t know what I was thinking. Well, I probably wasn’t thinking at all. My parents would think I’m going insane if they saw it. And they might force me to go back to the therapist again, which is terrible. I’m not going there again, ever. And my mom just got home and we were going to wtch TV, so I have to go now, but I have more to write so I’ll do it tomorrow.

what now

So since I’m at my grandpa’s house now, I haven’t been able to cut for days… I almost can’t stand it. I can feel the urge getting stronger and stronger each day. I tried making more wounds with an eraser again but it just isn’t the same thing. I want to go home but I also don’t. I want to cut and i miss my cat, but I also want to be with my grandpa as much as possible. My grandma died in November, and since then it’s been really lonely for grandpa, obviously. I miss her a lot… We were kind of close. She died because of cancer. I wish she never smoked… That probably was the trigger. At least one of them. Well I wish I could cut, I really want to right now. I’m not sure if my grandpa knows that I cut, but in case he does, he’s probably hidden everything sharp in the entire house somewhere so that I couldn’t cut. And we got here by plane, they check the bags for sharp things and such, so I couldn’t really take a blade with me. I really really want to cut. I’m trying to distract myself but it’s extremely hard. I don’t know what to do… And I wish I could just stop wanting to hurt myself. But that won’t happen. At least not for a very long time. I don’t know what I’m addicted to really, it could be the feeling, or it could just be a thought that makes me feel like I have to cut just because I’m used to it. I hope that made sense… Oh well, it’s getting late now. I think I should try to get some sleep now. Night

snowwww

Hello, I haven’t made a new post for a quite a while, sorry. It’s sooo damn cold outside! I’m at my grandpa’s house and there’s loads of snow here. It’s about -10 degrees C/14 degrees F. My oldest cousin and I were forced to go outside and “play” in the snow… I felt like a little child but it was kind of fun still. We built a snowman together. Now we just got indoors again and I’m drinking a big cup of tea now as I’m writing this. Since it’s Easter now we got this week off of school. So I’m glad. I don’t really know what else to say. Though I might not be able to blog much either this week, because I want to be with my grandpa and my cousins. But I’ll try to make new posts as often as possible. See ya

eraser challenge?

Sooo… I don’t really know what to write about now. But well at school today something happened and i wanted to cut really badly, and I tried to find the glass piece that I’ve kept in my locker for moments like these. The problem was, that I couldn’t find it. I still don’t get where it went… However, I HAD to cut. At least I had to feel some kind of pain. So i just simply used my eraser. I’ve heard about the eraser challenge? Similar to the salt and ice challenge(that I have done aswell), I suppose. Well, you are supposed to just rub an eraser hard to your skin. I did it on my wrist, obviously, since I always cover it anyways. At first it just turned red, and as I started to push harder it got redder and redder. Finally, some of my first skin layer ripped off. I almost just screamed out loud… It hurt as hell! And it still stings a lot. I’m stupid, I know. I can’t believe I did that… I’m never doing it again… I’ll go for cutting and burning and such.

Though, I’m still kind of curious about doing the salt and ice challenge again… Since it didn’t even hurt. At all. It didn’t even sting a little. I’m pretty sure i somehow did it wrong. I mean come on, on Youtube I’ve seen grown men doing the challenge and they all scream like little girls because it hurts so much. I must’ve done it wrong. Somehow… I kept the freaking ice cube on the salt until it melted completely. It didn’t hurt for a second. It just bored me… Maybe I used a weird kind of salt? I don’t know. Well whatever…

hi again

I found a song on Youtube a few weeks ago, and I can’t stop listening to it… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fn4gXdCIPRY it’s wonderful. It’s about self harm, cutting. And yes, I cut. I’ve been cutting myself for almost four years now, I’m turning 15 in July. The song in fact makes me cry sometimes when I listen to it. I can relate to the lyrics 100%. I also read a few of the comments on the video on Youtube, and some people said the song kept them from cutting. It doesn’t work for me though, but nothing does so whatever. Well I doubt anyone will ever read this, but if someone does, I suggest you look the song up.

I also have some kind of eating disorder. I wouldn’t say I’m anorexic or bulimic or anything, but I’m trying to avoid eating as often as possible. And I sometimes throw up when I’ve eaten, not everyday though. So I don’t really know. However, I found a song about anorexia aswell, it’s made by the same person who did the song i linked above. He is amazing. The anorexia song made me cry too. Here’s the song btw http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o58aVOJeUSA check it out. I keep listening to both of them even though it’s not the type of music I usually listen to, but they are really touching.