alone

Omg… Just no. No. No. I don’t wanna do this anymore. I can’t keep going. I just can’t keep going. I’m just so tired of everything, literally everything. At the moment I have one friend only. I almost just simply hate everyone else and I don’t trust anyone but him either. The girl who used to be my best friend, she kind of just abandoned me for another girl who also used to be a friend of mine. They seem to be bffs now. Fucking great. I’ve been crying like an idiot the past two hours and I can’t seem to be able to stop. When my ex best friend and I are alone, she seems to think I’m okay to be with. But once her new best friend comes, they both completely ignore me. I’m just the third wheel that no one cares about. That’s alright though; I don’t care about me either. They didn’t even seem to notice that I left them today when they were standing there talking to each other. I feel so alone.

It’s not like I want loads of friends really, I usually prefer to be alone, but I really didn’t want to lose my best friend, especially not to someone else. She’s rather with her new best friend than with me. Still, when her friend is gone, she uses to come to me randomly. I don’t want her to… I really don’t. If she chose someone else than me, I don’t want to stand there like an idiot anymore, waiting for her to come back to me. Because I want to know whether I should move on and forget about her, or if it’s worth waiting for her to come back. I partially want to move on, but she won’t leave me alone. I can’t really tell her to get the fuck out because I don’t want to be mean… Though she’s being kind of mean to me as well. Or maybe she isn’t? Maybe I’m just overreacting? I wish I knew what I’m supposed to do…

Salt and ice, 2nd attempt

Sooo… I haven’t been able to write anything lately because my computer crashed and I just figured out how to make posts on my phone. I have a lot to write about now. Basically, I tried the salt and ice challenge again. I wanted to try because it didn’t work last time I tried and it made me curious. So I tried it again. At first, I put loads of salt on my wrist and put two ice cubes on it and pressed them with my hand. It didn’t hurt. After a while it started to sting, but it didn’t really hurt. Just like last time… I was disappointed, it didn’t work this time either. I removed the ice cubes and washed the salt off. But i really wanted it to work. I got up again and put even more salt on my arm than before. Then I added three ice cubes and pressed even harder. It started to sting almost immediately, and after a while my arm went completely numb. I kept the ice cubes on until it melted and it still didn’t hurt. I sighed, it didn’t work this time either. I removed the wet salt and washed everything off. Then I just sat down on the sofa. The salt and ice challenge left nothing but a darker mark on my arm. Though later that same evening, weird small blisters started to appear on the darker area, where the salt and ice had been. I’m aware I shouldn’t have done this, but I started scratching the blisters and eventually, they broke. Well, it was gross. And it hurt like hell, but still, I couldn’t stop scratching them until they all broke. After that, I started to peel the skin off around the broken blisters. It made the marks look like burn scars. It stinged a lot, but after a while I just let it be and went to sleep. Next day it was infected. It was really bad. Two or three thin layers of my skin were ripped off on a couple places, and the wounds had gone yellow. Yes, yellow. I could barely move my arm, it hurt so much.
This happened a week ago, and I’m fine now. But it still hasn’t healed yet. Well I know it will take a while to heal completely. I’m still shocked, relieved though, that my parents haven’t noticed the strange looking wounds, because they are kind of obvious. Oh, well. I’m glad they haven’t.

And one more thing, I’m moving tomorrow. My parents are separating, and so our house is big, so none of them could afford keep living ín this house. So both have to move. I packed the majority of my stuff yesterday, and I had to stuff my plushies down in two large boxes… I feel so bad for them. I apologized like a thousand times. I hope they will forgive me… I’ll get to let them out tomorrow at least, so it won’t be for too long. I love all my plushies, they mean so much to me.

leave me alone

I seriously want to die… I don’t know what to do. Everything seems like it’s getting worse. And today was first day of school after Easter break. First day, and I felt like I was dying. I couldn’t even stay at school all day, I went home by lunch. My parents were not happy about that, but I honestly don’t even care anymore. I cut my leg yesterday and I could barely concentrate on what I was doing. The voices kept screaming and I told them to shut up but they didn’t. Before, when I was writing a diary, they somehow seemed to calm down when I opened a blank page and wrote “leave me alone” a few times. That worked sometimes. But yesterday it didn’t, I was cutting and they told me to cut deeper and I just couldn’t stand it. I just took my blade and cut ”leave me alone” all over it. It’s big, not really deep though, but I kinda regret it… It will be hard to hide. I don’t know what I was thinking. Well, I probably wasn’t thinking at all. My parents would think I’m going insane if they saw it. And they might force me to go back to the therapist again, which is terrible. I’m not going there again, ever. And my mom just got home and we were going to wtch TV, so I have to go now, but I have more to write so I’ll do it tomorrow.

snowwww

Hello, I haven’t made a new post for a quite a while, sorry. It’s sooo damn cold outside! I’m at my grandpa’s house and there’s loads of snow here. It’s about -10 degrees C/14 degrees F. My oldest cousin and I were forced to go outside and “play” in the snow… I felt like a little child but it was kind of fun still. We built a snowman together. Now we just got indoors again and I’m drinking a big cup of tea now as I’m writing this. Since it’s Easter now we got this week off of school. So I’m glad. I don’t really know what else to say. Though I might not be able to blog much either this week, because I want to be with my grandpa and my cousins. But I’ll try to make new posts as often as possible. See ya